A few days ago I posted about wanting to be the girl that goes for it. Remember the necklace? Well, it should come as no surprise I’ve been called on it.
I had a disturbing dream last night. I think I know what it means, but maybe you can tell me what you think.
In my dream I am riding a horse bareback with a group of men. They ride saddles.
We reach the end point of our journey and before we tie the horses to rest, one of the men points out the trail we’ll take to return.
The trail is Man-from-Snowy-River steep and there’s a downed tree hanging across it that looks to be about neck height. I peer over the edge. It may be steep enough for me to pass under the tree, but the footing is dicey – deep, dry, powdery soil with large basketball size cobble embedded like punctuation points on the sharp curves in the trail.
I am terrified. First, it’s so very steep and the footing uncertain. Second, I wouldn’t choose to ride it in a saddle. I’m bareback. Third, I dare not miscalculate the amount of clearance under that tree.
I consider my options. I can flat out refuse. Go back the way I came, but I realize that decision will come with consequences I find untenable.
I can also just go for it and trust my horse, trust myself to keep from pitching over his ears. Trust God to guide us down safely. But I’ve wrecked before. I understand the cost of making the wrong decision. I don’t want to pay that piper again.
I briefly consider that the ride down wouldn’t last long and, if I make it, might even be exhilarating. I allow myself the possibility that I might say yes and really mean it.
But alas, I didn’t get the fearless gene. The one I got leads me to safety, or so I have always thought. It leads me to retreat to avoid devastation. It’s sometimes good, sometimes not.
I awake from the dream, but 12 hours later I’m still pondering the what ifs. What if I do and it ends poorly? What if I do and it ends well?
Last week, before I knew what it could mean, I wrote that I wanted to be:
“The girl who stands at the threshold of her unknown, who leaps into it, trusting.
I want to be that girl. So I will.”
I do want to be that girl. Do I? Yes, I do.
I think I know which trail I need to take. But I am fearful. Going back the way I came is not my path.
At the same time, I’m sure it’s not within me to go full-on Girl-from-Snowy-River, let alone believe I can do it.
All I can say is like that father in Mark 9:24, “Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief.” You can pray for me if you will.