This is deep stuff. Maybe deeper than you want to go. I don’t write to judge or convert you. Relax. I write to understand. You may not agree with me – I’m ok with that – but while praying for me is fine, sermonizing is not. He’s made some real progress with me though we’ve still far to go. Regardless, this faith such as it is and eventually will be is inextricably woven through my life. It’s part of the backstory for my travels next month.
At the center, in the very core of my heart, is my desire to know God. Not to conform to a doctrine or do the acceptable, religious things, but to be so intimate in my faith that like Corrie Ten Boom, I would pause mid-sentence to hear a still small voice.
I don’t. I can’t. Not yet. This is my cross, my thorn in the flesh.
How does someone who wants to actively live her faith stand afar off? Why do I do the things I don’t want to do? How have I not been hit by lightning?
I’ve come to recognize that God uses kindness to draw me. That He’s patient. That He longs for me stronger than I long for Him. I’ve come to understand that mine has been from the start a process, not a name it and claim it, spit it and get it, instant transformation.
Everything I’ve learned about this has not been as a result of therapists, or the laying on of hands. It’s been things He’s shown me. Divinely-inspired epiphanies.
I’ve written many times about insecurely attached children who grow up incapable of developing healthy adult relationships. About the peer-reviewed studies that show connections between that and addiction, criminal behavior, and societal dysfunction at large. I’ve told you that studies say as many as 50% of the population suffers from some degree of attachment disorder. I won’t repeat all that here.
Beginning tomorrow I’ll tell you a series of stories. About how my beginning and growing up negatively impacted my ability to trust. Even God. I’ll do no finger-pointing. Just the facts as I understand them.
In turn, I hope you scratch beneath the surface of your own life. What’s important to you? How can you be part of healing this societal rift? 50% means either you have attachment issues or you know (and love) someone who does.
If so, I’ll not be surprised if you recognize in society, yourself, and in them, an equally ephemeral faith.